Excerpts from the chapter, Their Eyes Were Watching Daddy

My Story

     “Wayne, that boy sho need you.”  Those words were etched into my spirit by my late father, Charley C. Croomes, Sr. over twenty years ago, speaking of my oldest son, now in his twenties.  “I know, dad. I know” was the only conviction I could whisper in response back then.  In a way, my dad was saying my son’s eyes were fastened upon me. He was watching my every move. Ultimately, those words would form a chorus in my head and change the way I thought about fatherhood.

     Charley C. Croomes, Sr. had known what it was like to need his father.  He was a former military man with an intimidating presence and had grown up in poverty in rural Oklahoma after his dad, my grandfather, abandoned his family when my dad was a boy.  My dad and mom divorced when I was a toddler and he was given custody of my two older brothers and me and eventually he settled us in Phoenix, Arizona.  I remember my dad as a hard-working man and fiercely protective of his family.  He was fond of telling my two brothers and me about how life was tough for him coming up; it was his way of reminding us of our greater burden of success.

     Over time, my mom and dad reconciled and remarried. It helped that my father, after years of struggling with alcohol, discovered Christianity and gave his life to Christ.    I began to see him in a different way.  He overcame an addiction and got his life together.

     My dad now sleeps with the ancestors, but his lessons remain crucial to my understanding of what being a father really means and the role we play in the lives of our children.

     He was there because he knew we needed him.  Sometimes God gives us a second chance to do something better.

Sacrifice

A lot of people think that a man who fathers a child should marry that child's mother. It's an old-school way of thinking, and, although I respect it, I don't agree with it. Each man should determine what is in the best interest of the child, based on several factors - not the least of which how he gets along with the mother. A mother and father who don't get along and who constantly butt heads can be, in my opinion, counter-productive for the health of the child. If the couple cannot resolve their differences through counseling, and if both are just that dead-set against resolution, then I believe they should remain apart. Better for that child to experience his parents  apart and sane than together and insane.

Reflection

The past few days have brought unpleasant news regarding the violent outcomes of child custody cases, the most  prominent one being the murder-suicide of the Powell boys in Washington state.  I urge all fathers who may be under duress to reflect, take a deep breath and somberly consider the preciousness of those lives entrusted to us. Plan your work, work your plan. Or, as the Psalmist put it, "Do not fret, it only leads to evil." (Psalms 37).

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Number of Single Dads Rising

GRAPEVINE -- Jared Moody and the mother of their 20-month-old son tried to work it out. But when the child was 2 months old, the couple split up.

It was dad who got temporary custody of the child, not mom. In fact, it's dad who picks up his boy at day care twice a week in Grapevine; it's dad who puts him down for a nap every day; and it's dad who tucks the toddler into bed every night.

"I tried to make it work [with the boy's mom]," Moody said. "We tried the best we could, but circumstances wouldn't allow us to stay together. Ultimately, it was best for him to come live with me."

Single dads as primary caregivers of minor children are on the rise in many Tarrant County cities, according to 2010 Census data released Thursday. A decade ago, 3 out of every 100 family households in Texas and in Tarrant County were headed by single dads with their own children under age 18. Now, it's 4 of every 100, a 33 percent gain. In some area cities, it's as high as 6 of every 100 family households.

Countywide, there are 17,301 such households, compared with the 11,825 reported in the 2000 Census.

State and county child-support figures also show a steady uptick in the number of single fathers who receive child support and have primary custody of their children. As of April 30, Texas' families with a single dad as the custodial parent totaled 5.95 percent of child-support cases, up from 3.21 percent in 2003, according to data kept by the state attorney general's child-support office.

While it is still two to three times more likely for women to head single-parent households, men are increasingly demonstrating that they are also capable, child psychologists say.

"For years, it was sort of viewed that a father was not able to raise a child," said Allene Goldman, a child therapist in Dallas. "No more. We are changing our attitudes: Dads can raise children by themselves."

Dads with custody

Tarrant County seems to mirror the statewide trend. Presently, about 10 percent of Tarrant County dads are classified as custodial parents collecting child support, county records show. That's an increase from roughly 1 percent in 2000, records show.

"It appears there has been a slow and steady increase in fathers as primary custodial parent," Christina S. Glenn, executive director/attorney for the domestic relations office for the county, wrote in an e-mail to the Star-Telegram.

Glenn conducted a random study of such cases in the last decade and found that fathers acted as the primary custodial parent in roughly 6 percent of cases. (About 93 percent had mothers as the primary custodial parent; about 1 percent were grandparents or stepparents.)

Many people who work in the field of child custody, visitation and child support may have a "working perception" that things haven't changed much in the past decade, she said.

But, she said, "that is not to say that things haven't changed drastically since, say, the 1980s, when mothers were still overwhelmingly appointed as the sole managing conservator."

In most cases, both parents are named as "joint managing conservator" with almost equal duties and access to children, Glenn said.

Goldman and other child therapists say that's all good news for children, who need both their parents to grow up healthy and well-adjusted. Over the years, the more accepted standard has been for fathers to be more actively involved in their children's lives, and that's a good thing, Goldman said.

"I like to see dads take an active part," she said.

Working moms

Family law experts, including judges and attorneys, also point out that census statistics highlight another prevalent social pattern: More moms are working full-time jobs. That makes it easier for dads to argue that they are just as fit and able to provide for and nurture their children.

"Men are working harder to show that they can be capable parents," one family law expert said.

Moody, for example, works out of his Grapevine home as an independent salesman for amusement parks in Asia and the Pacific region.

"My job lets me work from home," he said. "So he has a stable living environment. I'm home with him when he's not at school, and I take care of him throughout the day."

He has his toddler on a routine. The child attends day care twice a week for about five hours. He awakes and the two eat breakfast at about 7 a.m. Father and son enjoy afternoons in the park near their home. Two- to three-hour naps are part of the afternoon schedule, Moody said.

"It's part of a routine process that we have for right now, and it works out just fine," Moody said.

He realizes the challenge ahead of him in raising a young boy but is OK with it.

"I see a future from when I started raising him at 2 months all the way until probably he becomes an old man," Moody said. "It's going to be an ongoing deal for me.

"I'm the type of guy that stands up for his responsibility," he said. "It's just my family upbringing and how I was raised."

Source: Fort-Worth Star Telegram.com

Post on hostile mothers

• Fathers dealing with hostile mothers have to play it smart.  There are two types of hostile mothers: overtly hostile and covertly hostile.  The former not allowing the   father any type of contact or severely limiting contact with the father; the ladder allows some semblance of contact but does her best to impair the father-child relationship (she does this to prevent her actions as from being interpreted as hostile).  

On Why I Began (TEWD) Their Eyes Were Watching Daddy by W. Eric Croomes

Their Eyes Were Watching Daddy began as a therapeutic attempt at making sense of my own challenges with the mother of my youngest son. 

I left the relationship with her during fall 2009. I left the relationship, but I did not leave my son. Our parental relationship since the break-up has been rocky at best.  My son’s mother has done everything within her limited power to impede my relationship with my son.  I’m not sure if its jealousy, anger over our break-up or just pure hatred, but she obviously feels her calling in life is to disrupt the harmony between my son and me to the best of her ability.

There are men who, like me, love their child and would do anything in the world to secure their happiness and welfare.  These men, not unlike me, may be experiencing hostility with the mother of their offspring.  In some cases law enforcement and or the courts have stepped in to enforce a restraining order that has been handed down.  Other cases may have involved allegations of abuse and neglect that ultimately had to be adjudicated along legal lines. 

Whatever the case, relationships between never-married and divorced parents can be acrimonious, filled with distrust and rife with anger.

We are often told to never take things into our own hands in these situations. I firmly believe that to be a sound principle.  Fathers dealing with hostile mothers should always allow the system to deal with their situations.  For many fathers, though, the system has failed.  That’s because the system cannot adjudicate a sense of justice and fairness; it cannot regulate a person’s moral and ethical proclivity. 

In short, the system was never designed to make a person – man or woman – do the right thing!  Unfortunately, far too many mothers become hostile with the fathers of their offspring and the only hurt parties are the children.

I’ve concluded that we as unmarried and/or divorced fathers must do what we can legally to remain relevant in the lives of our children.  Therefore, I began TEWD as a way of reaching out to men who share that conviction – men who desire to have a positive, constructive relationship with their child(ren). 

Think of TEWD as a navigation system, showing men the most effective and efficient route toward their destination.  I don’t know all the answers, but I will do my best as director of this group to find answers, to find legitimate and legal ways for fathers to be in the life of their offspring.