Ego

Something interesting happened during my weekend visitation with my son: Out of the blue he mentioned to me that his mother was having her birthday party this weekend. A moment of silence followed. He then says, "Are you gonna get my mommy a birthday cake?"  I was a bit stunned by his question for a minute, but then it all came together.  I've been telling my son since he was old enough to understand how important it is for him to love his mother - no matter how she felt about his father. Every time I drop him off I tell him don't forget to tell his mother  'I love you.' By asking me if I was going to buy his mother a birthday cake (because really, the thought had never crossed my mind), my son was demonstrating not only that he was following my instructions, but I believe he also wanted to know that his dad would practice what he preached and back him up in the demonstration of love. Sometimes we as fathers have to put ego aside and listen to the innocent, non-partisan voice of our children.  Then we find the peace and strength to do the right thing, and not be afraid of the results.

Excerpts from the chapter, Their Eyes Were Watching Daddy

My Story

     “Wayne, that boy sho need you.”  Those words were etched into my spirit by my late father, Charley C. Croomes, Sr. over twenty years ago, speaking of my oldest son, now in his twenties.  “I know, dad. I know” was the only conviction I could whisper in response back then.  In a way, my dad was saying my son’s eyes were fastened upon me. He was watching my every move. Ultimately, those words would form a chorus in my head and change the way I thought about fatherhood.

     Charley C. Croomes, Sr. had known what it was like to need his father.  He was a former military man with an intimidating presence and had grown up in poverty in rural Oklahoma after his dad, my grandfather, abandoned his family when my dad was a boy.  My dad and mom divorced when I was a toddler and he was given custody of my two older brothers and me and eventually he settled us in Phoenix, Arizona.  I remember my dad as a hard-working man and fiercely protective of his family.  He was fond of telling my two brothers and me about how life was tough for him coming up; it was his way of reminding us of our greater burden of success.

     Over time, my mom and dad reconciled and remarried. It helped that my father, after years of struggling with alcohol, discovered Christianity and gave his life to Christ.    I began to see him in a different way.  He overcame an addiction and got his life together.

     My dad now sleeps with the ancestors, but his lessons remain crucial to my understanding of what being a father really means and the role we play in the lives of our children.

     He was there because he knew we needed him.  Sometimes God gives us a second chance to do something better.

Sacrifice

A lot of people think that a man who fathers a child should marry that child's mother. It's an old-school way of thinking, and, although I respect it, I don't agree with it. Each man should determine what is in the best interest of the child, based on several factors - not the least of which how he gets along with the mother. A mother and father who don't get along and who constantly butt heads can be, in my opinion, counter-productive for the health of the child. If the couple cannot resolve their differences through counseling, and if both are just that dead-set against resolution, then I believe they should remain apart. Better for that child to experience his parents  apart and sane than together and insane.

Reflection

The past few days have brought unpleasant news regarding the violent outcomes of child custody cases, the most  prominent one being the murder-suicide of the Powell boys in Washington state.  I urge all fathers who may be under duress to reflect, take a deep breath and somberly consider the preciousness of those lives entrusted to us. Plan your work, work your plan. Or, as the Psalmist put it, "Do not fret, it only leads to evil." (Psalms 37).

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Number of Single Dads Rising

GRAPEVINE -- Jared Moody and the mother of their 20-month-old son tried to work it out. But when the child was 2 months old, the couple split up.

It was dad who got temporary custody of the child, not mom. In fact, it's dad who picks up his boy at day care twice a week in Grapevine; it's dad who puts him down for a nap every day; and it's dad who tucks the toddler into bed every night.

"I tried to make it work [with the boy's mom]," Moody said. "We tried the best we could, but circumstances wouldn't allow us to stay together. Ultimately, it was best for him to come live with me."

Single dads as primary caregivers of minor children are on the rise in many Tarrant County cities, according to 2010 Census data released Thursday. A decade ago, 3 out of every 100 family households in Texas and in Tarrant County were headed by single dads with their own children under age 18. Now, it's 4 of every 100, a 33 percent gain. In some area cities, it's as high as 6 of every 100 family households.

Countywide, there are 17,301 such households, compared with the 11,825 reported in the 2000 Census.

State and county child-support figures also show a steady uptick in the number of single fathers who receive child support and have primary custody of their children. As of April 30, Texas' families with a single dad as the custodial parent totaled 5.95 percent of child-support cases, up from 3.21 percent in 2003, according to data kept by the state attorney general's child-support office.

While it is still two to three times more likely for women to head single-parent households, men are increasingly demonstrating that they are also capable, child psychologists say.

"For years, it was sort of viewed that a father was not able to raise a child," said Allene Goldman, a child therapist in Dallas. "No more. We are changing our attitudes: Dads can raise children by themselves."

Dads with custody

Tarrant County seems to mirror the statewide trend. Presently, about 10 percent of Tarrant County dads are classified as custodial parents collecting child support, county records show. That's an increase from roughly 1 percent in 2000, records show.

"It appears there has been a slow and steady increase in fathers as primary custodial parent," Christina S. Glenn, executive director/attorney for the domestic relations office for the county, wrote in an e-mail to the Star-Telegram.

Glenn conducted a random study of such cases in the last decade and found that fathers acted as the primary custodial parent in roughly 6 percent of cases. (About 93 percent had mothers as the primary custodial parent; about 1 percent were grandparents or stepparents.)

Many people who work in the field of child custody, visitation and child support may have a "working perception" that things haven't changed much in the past decade, she said.

But, she said, "that is not to say that things haven't changed drastically since, say, the 1980s, when mothers were still overwhelmingly appointed as the sole managing conservator."

In most cases, both parents are named as "joint managing conservator" with almost equal duties and access to children, Glenn said.

Goldman and other child therapists say that's all good news for children, who need both their parents to grow up healthy and well-adjusted. Over the years, the more accepted standard has been for fathers to be more actively involved in their children's lives, and that's a good thing, Goldman said.

"I like to see dads take an active part," she said.

Working moms

Family law experts, including judges and attorneys, also point out that census statistics highlight another prevalent social pattern: More moms are working full-time jobs. That makes it easier for dads to argue that they are just as fit and able to provide for and nurture their children.

"Men are working harder to show that they can be capable parents," one family law expert said.

Moody, for example, works out of his Grapevine home as an independent salesman for amusement parks in Asia and the Pacific region.

"My job lets me work from home," he said. "So he has a stable living environment. I'm home with him when he's not at school, and I take care of him throughout the day."

He has his toddler on a routine. The child attends day care twice a week for about five hours. He awakes and the two eat breakfast at about 7 a.m. Father and son enjoy afternoons in the park near their home. Two- to three-hour naps are part of the afternoon schedule, Moody said.

"It's part of a routine process that we have for right now, and it works out just fine," Moody said.

He realizes the challenge ahead of him in raising a young boy but is OK with it.

"I see a future from when I started raising him at 2 months all the way until probably he becomes an old man," Moody said. "It's going to be an ongoing deal for me.

"I'm the type of guy that stands up for his responsibility," he said. "It's just my family upbringing and how I was raised."

Source: Fort-Worth Star Telegram.com

Post on hostile mothers

• Fathers dealing with hostile mothers have to play it smart.  There are two types of hostile mothers: overtly hostile and covertly hostile.  The former not allowing the   father any type of contact or severely limiting contact with the father; the ladder allows some semblance of contact but does her best to impair the father-child relationship (she does this to prevent her actions as from being interpreted as hostile).