There were a few of my friends who were critical of my decision to take my son’s mother to court, but who never inquired as to how the proceedings fared. For me, the most important factor in my actions was my son. I had many conversations with him as to why I took action. It was in his best interest. One evening several months ago, he said, “Daddy, can you fix it to where I can talk to you on the phone?” I was moved. What was I to do? Surely I could not give him an empty response! So I went to his mother and asked her to let him talk to me on the phone. She said no. So I went to a judge and asked her to let him talk to me on the phone. She said yes. My single and overriding motivation for court action was because my son asked me to do it! Nothing more. Nothing less.

Next TVR: Can a Man Raise a Child Just as Well as a Woman? Join me Mothers Day, Sunday, May 13, 2012 as we probe this question with our special guest! Call-in number: 347.915.9517 The Village Report: Raising awareness. Inspiring change!

If a father is going to deal successfully with a hostile mother, he must put aside his ego. Most hostile mothers are hostile because they know they have the weight of the Texas child welfare establishment on their side. They also know that very few men are going to mount a legal challenge to their supremacy. They, therefore, can afford to go ‘toe to toe’ with the father of their children. What men must do is to check their ego and understand that the end-game for them is remain an active presence in the life of that child. If you are in jail or living under a restraining order, it becomes almost impossible to achieve that goal.

Selflessness

"The very act of separation and divorce, aside from any accompanying behavior or words, itself sends a myriad of terrible messages to children. It says that parents can put their own wishes above the welfare of their children. This is obviously a bad example, which the children can then carry on to their own families. But a perhaps worse effect is to destroy parental authority. No parent who has put himself or herself before their child in such a basic way has any moral authority to instruct, correct, or discipline a child. How can parents instill lessons of selflessness in children when their own actions demonstrate precisely the opposite?"

-Stephen Baskerville

Advocate!

Unmarried and divorced fathers who have contentious relationships with the mother of their child(ren) should begin to see themselves as advocates for the child. Their eyes are watching you!

visit www.tewdonline.org

Decision delayed

The Respondent was late arriving for the hearing. A continuance was granted. A motion for continuance was granted. Bummer! I was ready!

Stand up for Your Rights!

On Tuesday, April 10, 2012 I am presenting my case before a family court magistrate regarding my rights as father of my 4 year-old son. I stand for the dignity of all of God's people!

Love

"Love is my religion."
-Bob Marley

Single fathers: don't waste your or your child's time hating your child's mother! Focus your love on your child(ren)! They are what matters! Keep the faith!

Next TVR: Trayvon Martin and the Burden of Our Black Boys

Join me Sunday, March 25, 2012 for: The Burden of Our Black Boys.
In the wake of Trayvon Martin's senseless killing, how do we protect our black boys from a society that despises them? Plus, will there be justice for Trayvon? We'll ask a panel of mentors and social justice advocates!
Next TVR! Dial 347.215.9517 at 5pm central to listen or comment.
Raising awareness. Inspiring change.

Our Black Boys

I teach a youth group at my local church. During a recent men's conference, I addressed young, black males twelve to seventeen years of age. We discussed what their conduct – including body language – should be if they were stopped by police officers. We talked about everything from where there hands should be to how they should address the officer(s). Although the assailant (Zimmerman) in the Trayvon Martin killing was not a police officer, I’m saddened by the fact that Trayvon Martin – according to the 911 tapes – did what he thought was right in attempting to avoid conflict with the assailant, (the tapes prove that he attempted to run but apparently was chased down) but still lost his life. What do we say to our black boys?

Post from my chapter in No Glory Without A Story

I became a father for the first time in 1985, amidst an era of great personal idealism and ambition. I arrived at that momentous intersection of fatherhood early and immature.

     About a year and a half after the birth of my first son, an opportunity arose for me to study at a prestigious college in Texas.  I went for it.  I was guided by a belief that I was going to make myself a better man, but there had not formed a connection to being a better father.  My son would visit me during summer and spring breaks and I would fly home to visit as often as I could.       

     I became a father for the second time in 2007, after a promising relationship with his mother came to an abrupt end. By then my idealism about the world and my place in it had reached its apex.

     If you are an active presence in the life of your child or children, I salute you and encourage you to keep the faith. Keep it up!  If you are not, my purpose is not to berate you nor condemn you.  Rather, my goal is to share lessons from my own experience and leave you some kernels of advice in hopes that you experience the greatest joy as a father. 

Regardless of the relationship context, fatherhood is one of the greatest joys that life can offer. Fatherhood is a tool, an art and a science that was divinely designed to bring purpose to the life of a child.

Show up!

If you wish to be a part of your child's life - even if you aren't with the mother - the absolute worst thing you can do when you receive a summons for child support is NOT to show.  It is one of the most dizzying and exasperating experiences you'll ever go through - but do it!  They'll love you for it. Remember, they're eyes are watching you!

Ego

Something interesting happened during my weekend visitation with my son: Out of the blue he mentioned to me that his mother was having her birthday party this weekend. A moment of silence followed. He then says, "Are you gonna get my mommy a birthday cake?"  I was a bit stunned by his question for a minute, but then it all came together.  I've been telling my son since he was old enough to understand how important it is for him to love his mother - no matter how she felt about his father. Every time I drop him off I tell him don't forget to tell his mother  'I love you.' By asking me if I was going to buy his mother a birthday cake (because really, the thought had never crossed my mind), my son was demonstrating not only that he was following my instructions, but I believe he also wanted to know that his dad would practice what he preached and back him up in the demonstration of love. Sometimes we as fathers have to put ego aside and listen to the innocent, non-partisan voice of our children.  Then we find the peace and strength to do the right thing, and not be afraid of the results.

Excerpts from the chapter, Their Eyes Were Watching Daddy

My Story

     “Wayne, that boy sho need you.”  Those words were etched into my spirit by my late father, Charley C. Croomes, Sr. over twenty years ago, speaking of my oldest son, now in his twenties.  “I know, dad. I know” was the only conviction I could whisper in response back then.  In a way, my dad was saying my son’s eyes were fastened upon me. He was watching my every move. Ultimately, those words would form a chorus in my head and change the way I thought about fatherhood.

     Charley C. Croomes, Sr. had known what it was like to need his father.  He was a former military man with an intimidating presence and had grown up in poverty in rural Oklahoma after his dad, my grandfather, abandoned his family when my dad was a boy.  My dad and mom divorced when I was a toddler and he was given custody of my two older brothers and me and eventually he settled us in Phoenix, Arizona.  I remember my dad as a hard-working man and fiercely protective of his family.  He was fond of telling my two brothers and me about how life was tough for him coming up; it was his way of reminding us of our greater burden of success.

     Over time, my mom and dad reconciled and remarried. It helped that my father, after years of struggling with alcohol, discovered Christianity and gave his life to Christ.    I began to see him in a different way.  He overcame an addiction and got his life together.

     My dad now sleeps with the ancestors, but his lessons remain crucial to my understanding of what being a father really means and the role we play in the lives of our children.

     He was there because he knew we needed him.  Sometimes God gives us a second chance to do something better.

Sacrifice

A lot of people think that a man who fathers a child should marry that child's mother. It's an old-school way of thinking, and, although I respect it, I don't agree with it. Each man should determine what is in the best interest of the child, based on several factors - not the least of which how he gets along with the mother. A mother and father who don't get along and who constantly butt heads can be, in my opinion, counter-productive for the health of the child. If the couple cannot resolve their differences through counseling, and if both are just that dead-set against resolution, then I believe they should remain apart. Better for that child to experience his parents  apart and sane than together and insane.

Reflection

The past few days have brought unpleasant news regarding the violent outcomes of child custody cases, the most  prominent one being the murder-suicide of the Powell boys in Washington state.  I urge all fathers who may be under duress to reflect, take a deep breath and somberly consider the preciousness of those lives entrusted to us. Plan your work, work your plan. Or, as the Psalmist put it, "Do not fret, it only leads to evil." (Psalms 37).

Your Feedback is Greatly Appreciated!

Hello and I hope you are well! A site is being developed to highlight TEWD's vision, mission and purpose and also as a way of keeping the public informed of TEWD seminars and other events. Please visit the below link and forward your feedback to tewd01@yahoo.com or simply post here.  Thank you!

Link: www.wix.com/tewd01/tewd

Number of Single Dads Rising

GRAPEVINE -- Jared Moody and the mother of their 20-month-old son tried to work it out. But when the child was 2 months old, the couple split up.

It was dad who got temporary custody of the child, not mom. In fact, it's dad who picks up his boy at day care twice a week in Grapevine; it's dad who puts him down for a nap every day; and it's dad who tucks the toddler into bed every night.

"I tried to make it work [with the boy's mom]," Moody said. "We tried the best we could, but circumstances wouldn't allow us to stay together. Ultimately, it was best for him to come live with me."

Single dads as primary caregivers of minor children are on the rise in many Tarrant County cities, according to 2010 Census data released Thursday. A decade ago, 3 out of every 100 family households in Texas and in Tarrant County were headed by single dads with their own children under age 18. Now, it's 4 of every 100, a 33 percent gain. In some area cities, it's as high as 6 of every 100 family households.

Countywide, there are 17,301 such households, compared with the 11,825 reported in the 2000 Census.

State and county child-support figures also show a steady uptick in the number of single fathers who receive child support and have primary custody of their children. As of April 30, Texas' families with a single dad as the custodial parent totaled 5.95 percent of child-support cases, up from 3.21 percent in 2003, according to data kept by the state attorney general's child-support office.

While it is still two to three times more likely for women to head single-parent households, men are increasingly demonstrating that they are also capable, child psychologists say.

"For years, it was sort of viewed that a father was not able to raise a child," said Allene Goldman, a child therapist in Dallas. "No more. We are changing our attitudes: Dads can raise children by themselves."

Dads with custody

Tarrant County seems to mirror the statewide trend. Presently, about 10 percent of Tarrant County dads are classified as custodial parents collecting child support, county records show. That's an increase from roughly 1 percent in 2000, records show.

"It appears there has been a slow and steady increase in fathers as primary custodial parent," Christina S. Glenn, executive director/attorney for the domestic relations office for the county, wrote in an e-mail to the Star-Telegram.

Glenn conducted a random study of such cases in the last decade and found that fathers acted as the primary custodial parent in roughly 6 percent of cases. (About 93 percent had mothers as the primary custodial parent; about 1 percent were grandparents or stepparents.)

Many people who work in the field of child custody, visitation and child support may have a "working perception" that things haven't changed much in the past decade, she said.

But, she said, "that is not to say that things haven't changed drastically since, say, the 1980s, when mothers were still overwhelmingly appointed as the sole managing conservator."

In most cases, both parents are named as "joint managing conservator" with almost equal duties and access to children, Glenn said.

Goldman and other child therapists say that's all good news for children, who need both their parents to grow up healthy and well-adjusted. Over the years, the more accepted standard has been for fathers to be more actively involved in their children's lives, and that's a good thing, Goldman said.

"I like to see dads take an active part," she said.

Working moms

Family law experts, including judges and attorneys, also point out that census statistics highlight another prevalent social pattern: More moms are working full-time jobs. That makes it easier for dads to argue that they are just as fit and able to provide for and nurture their children.

"Men are working harder to show that they can be capable parents," one family law expert said.

Moody, for example, works out of his Grapevine home as an independent salesman for amusement parks in Asia and the Pacific region.

"My job lets me work from home," he said. "So he has a stable living environment. I'm home with him when he's not at school, and I take care of him throughout the day."

He has his toddler on a routine. The child attends day care twice a week for about five hours. He awakes and the two eat breakfast at about 7 a.m. Father and son enjoy afternoons in the park near their home. Two- to three-hour naps are part of the afternoon schedule, Moody said.

"It's part of a routine process that we have for right now, and it works out just fine," Moody said.

He realizes the challenge ahead of him in raising a young boy but is OK with it.

"I see a future from when I started raising him at 2 months all the way until probably he becomes an old man," Moody said. "It's going to be an ongoing deal for me.

"I'm the type of guy that stands up for his responsibility," he said. "It's just my family upbringing and how I was raised."

Source: Fort-Worth Star Telegram.com

Post on hostile mothers

• Fathers dealing with hostile mothers have to play it smart.  There are two types of hostile mothers: overtly hostile and covertly hostile.  The former not allowing the   father any type of contact or severely limiting contact with the father; the ladder allows some semblance of contact but does her best to impair the father-child relationship (she does this to prevent her actions as from being interpreted as hostile).